True Grit...

I've finally settled on a final mod project idea. I just kind of came to me, in a way. It's to involve a bright, clean art style, reminiscent of Mirror's Edge, but it will contrast highly with some of the "underground" areas which are to be far more grittier. I plan on creating an over arching story involving one main character, code named "able" and his handler "fish". I plan on releasing it in episodes, with the first few (more or less) to be written and produced by me, with subsequent chapters written by other writers (yet undecided).

More details to come, when I get them. I'm in the midst of writing the design doc and will have that available when it's ready (promise). Once the design doc is out, I'll be looking for interested parties to man the different positions in the team, but more on that later...

Back to work.

Ease My Mind...

Where do I begin. My issues are too numerous to mention. How do I avoid the inevitable breakdown of information.

First off, I'm having dreams, dreams which somehow seem more real than my waking moments. I've mentioned these before, but have yet to speak much about them. They feel so real because I have emotions, which I express with precision and intensity that I restrain in real life. I actively communicate my emotions to these entities in my dreams, causing them to react in very realistic ways, showing equal precision and intensity, and strangely, a passion that I've never seen in anyone real, or imagined. I almost feel more alive in my dreams than reality, which is quite a dangerous notion, I can assure you. Should I see this as a sign that I must show more emotion to the real life equivalents of those figures from my dreams, so that I may see the same passion in reality as in my head? If so, it has been quite an eerie sign.

Secondly, I've been frustrated out of my mind about how I feel like I am unable to communicate anything with any precision of effectiveness, due in part to my lack of a full vocabulary, but mostly due to my inability to catch the words that evade my grasp, in which I then spend many moments trying to regain. The greatest loss for me, is the loss of words. This happens all too often for me. Perhaps it, too, is a sign. A sign that I don't exercise my vocabulary muscle too often. Maybe this is just a small cramp that one gets when he first begins regular exercise of said muscle, one just like any other muscle. I will not let this deter me.

Blue Letter Day...

Not quite as productive as I would have hoped. Caffeine is once again the culprit. Couldn't keep awake long enough to act, not to mention that I couldn't form coherent sentences, which was my biggest wall. Do one thing that frightens you everyday is so much easier to say when you're not at that hurdle yet. Standing on the edge is the hardest part. When you finally jump, all you have to do is let gravity take it's course. All harder than it seems.

Better luck some other day? Let us hope. I don't have much more time.

Red Letter Day...

Today is it...

Know how people always say that, 'there is no time like the present', that 'now is the time'. 'Forever is composed of nows'. Well, for once, I'm making use of those proverbs. Today, I'm going to do something that truly scares me. No, two things that scare me. For it's only in the face of our true fears that we can say that we are actually living. Spiders, heights, dieing. These are trivial compared to Man's true fears: Success, Happiness, Love. If man weren't terrified of such fears, we'd have a better world. One where Pride would be a wall one must climb to see the face of true Romance, Joy, and Life.

Dare I say, Pride is one of Mankind's greatest enemies. Pride for one's country, religion, self. It's these things that lead to downfall. I shall overcome this hurtle, one that I've been faced with all my life, too afraid to jump, lest I fall. Today I shall dive into it with open arms, shouting "Geronimo!" all the way. It is truly an unprecedented day, indeed.


"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero"

Off Beat - 1...

Contained here within is transcribed the thoughts, hopes, and dreams of me and a friend.

I don't write poetry. Is Freefrom poetry? I don't write free form, but I do write stream of consciousness. Graduation is crap. Pomp & Circumstance. What is to stop us from doing the amazing. All of our friends have strange tastes in music. No stars out tonight, but plenty of bugs. Maybe a couple stars. Harvest moon. Brown moon. Human exploration of the stars. Nothing amazing since the seventies. If something causes physical pain, then you can hate it. I'm writing down our conversation. Awesome.

Weird cool poem. Cool. Yeah... Girls are horrible(?). There is no pleasing a girl when it comes to her weight. If they ask you answers, yes of no questions. Relationships suck. Relationships: Difficult to start, difficult to end. Richard has a big bed. Scott is too fried. Mosquito bitches bite. The End in the Beginning. Work sucks, make music. My brain is numb. On my own. Dryer sheets. One day it will end... eventually.

Caffeine Deficiency...

What do you do for energy when caffeine ceases to be potent enough to keep one's self awake. I'm on my second cup of some really strong coffee, and so far, it's not putting a brace on the eyelids. You can imagine then, that writing this is becoming increasingly difficult through closed eyes. Not that it's needed much. I'm pretty good at typing with my eyes closed. Lets see how long it can last. Not long, I don't suspect, since I'm anal about spelling things correctly.

So, I've been thinking awhile on a mod that I've been wanting to work on. I want to use the Source engine, since I have the most experience with it, it holds the most feature rich engine I know of, anit's widespread, and it's modulare, making it easy to work with. The problem begins with coming up with the story and design document. I've had several ideas, but none with the scope that I want. I know I want to tell a very in depth story, but don't want to have to do a lot of modification of the engine in order to accomplish my goals. I want to tell a story that is interesting, and provides a believable story, combined with some experimental story telling elements (such as having the main character's thoughts be spoken out loud, providing not only story telling elements, but also providing important gameplay information, such as their mental state). The one scenario I can think of is disaster survival, an area which few games have dared to tread. Brain storming session soon to come.

Haunting Clarity...

They say, before you die, that your life passes before your eyes. That you see the events in you life with greater clarity. What does it mean, then, if you see that in a dream. No, not a dream. It felt more like a vision. An event in my life which didn't happen, but feels more real than the room I'm sitting in right now. Not that 'real' isn't hard to fake, I guess. What bothers me the most is the haunting clarity that came with it. Enough to make me believe it was real. Enough to make me what to change my life because of it. Maybe it was real. Does that matter now?