I Feel You...

The scene is dark. Not pitch black, but one where the only sources of light are coming from outside the room. Street lamps casting their glow through three large bay windows, to be exact. The Venetian blinds cast horizontal lines in the orange glow. All was quiet and all was still.

Unshakable Doubt...

It's been a long time. I've not had too many reasons to return, hence my absence. It's been neutral and monotonous, these past few months. Nothing to speak of cause nothing has happened. Needless to say that something has happened, thus my return.

Nothing tragic, nothing grand. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Yet.

I feel uneasy writing this, simply due to the fact that I know I'm blowing it wildly out of proportion. It's impossible to care for someone so much, so soon. Of course, this exact thought led me to something much deeper. Is it better to care for someone to quickly, or to not care at all? The answer might appear obvious, but lets look at it a little deeper:

If someone does something nice for you, without any reason as to why, what is often the first thought that enters your mind? For me, it's that there's something else behind it. Whether it's that they want something, or it's part of some larger plot... Then again, I am the paranoid one.

Let us find out what others think.

The Villian...

"I'll take your love, I'll take your hate, I'll take your desire. I'll take your heart, I'll take your pain. I'll take the world when it turns on you. I'll set it on fire. I'll bring you to life..."

"You'd be willing to destroy the world for love, yes? No? Hmm, that's a very surprising answer, to be honest.", the man before me paused to pour some tea into a small, very antique looking cup, which he carefully offer to me. There was a cautious nature about the man, no doubt a side-effect of his past occupation.

"I could tell by your hesitation and then sudden expression of discomfort at the question. Most who interject logic in the question always give the same answer. It's one that should be answered on pure emotion. I was expecting more from you. You appear to me to be one of those 'do anything for love' sort of fellows. Am I wrong?", I hesitated.

"N-no... I mean, I-I'm not sure. I've never placed myself in that sort of situation. Not that I think I'd-"

"-Ever find youself deciding between the fate of the world and the one you love?"

He sat down with the waning light falling onto his shoulders, which gave him a sort of gentle nature to him. 'Gentle' of course, wouldn't, no couldn't be used to describe this man. He is perhaps one of the most hated men in all of history, and here I was interviewing him.

"I was more surprised by the question, than anything, I believe."

"Is that so? Oh, so you must be one that thinks that a man such as myself must be incapable of love, that so much hatred and corruption must have been generated from the hatred and corruption that has filled my past, yes?" he said, his voice in a slow crescendo, "I hate to disappoint you, dear fellow, but I was not always such a despised man. I, in fact, could once be considered to be in love."

On The Run From No One...

It's cold, very cold. I am a dejected man. I'll admit that, but why does it have to be so fucking cold? My tears have turned to ice, and are burning my face, but I have no time to wipe them away. I must continue running. My quest for escape from my own person hell has not yet reached it's end. I must continue running till I can no longer run.

My drive is someone beautiful; someone I love very much. I must keep running for them. I have to. I must escape, and meet them, and say, "I'm home.", with which they will greet me with, "Thank God!". They will be happy, and I will feel safe in their arms. Safety, something I must seek.

They aren't far behind. I can feel them breathing down my neck; nipping at my heals with their sharpened teeth and their hollow hearts. Anticipating the kill. One I shall make them work for.

"Keep running, keep running...", is all that goes through my head. I can't stop. I mustn't stop. I feel them. They're over coming me. Draining the life from me. I collapse. I try to regain my stance, but my legs collapse underneath the weight. I can't escape. I can't run from imaginary problems.

The Witch...

Something has been plaguing me lately. Something far darker than what I've dealt with prior to this time. No, that's a lie. I've faced this monster, and struck it dead. Seeing it here again raises some questions as to my thoroughness. This is, of course, is bad for my image. All of it is. It's very existence nags at my being, tearing away pieces of my sol, strand by bloody strand. I've stretched my resources far too thin this time. Reconsolidation, anyone? Far scarier a word than I could have imagined.

Am I jealous? No. Maybe. I'm not sure. I have nothing to be jealous of. No one, no one to be jealous of. There is no one else, and yet, I feel lost, and unsought. Loneliness does not being to describe. That sounds far too dark. No, I refuse to say that I'm sad, let alone depressed. Such a horrible word, that. No, I'm fine. One step at a time. It's just taking longer than expected to cope with this burden.

This Witch needs to be ridden from my shoulders. It's far too much to deal with at this time, now that it's already at it's limit. I'm not sure what I can do now.

Call in all the generals. We'll have a battle plan before the setting of the sun.

The Secret Wish...

I want to send a message. I want to speak without words. To share openly the ideas That have amassed within. I want open thought. I want ideas in tones. Expression without consequence. Love without Fear. I want my feelings to flourish. I want color, joy, happiness. Do you see the patterns? What I Hear Is Harmony What I Feel Is Ecstasy This Is The Closest Thing On Earth To A Miracle Let Music be the Food of Love

The Lies of the Eyes are Written in Fiction...

Deception occurs with our very perception. This deception begins with the eyes themselves. The eyes cannot see all spectrum of light. In turn, we cannot perceive the world to it's fullest. When the brain goes to process the raw data, it often fills in the blanks, or processes it relative to other images. When the mind interprets this product, it can only interpret based on images already perceived. We are not perfect beings. We, in turn, make mistakes. The world continues turning.

All of our senses decieve us in one way or another. They are unable to perfectly emulate the world around us. We can only function based on what data we receive from them. In my honest, but highly uneducated opinion, no sense decieves us more than our sense of sight.

Templates...

How do I explain who I am in five minutes. It's a bit unfair to ask us to sum all of our life experiences, opinions, and ideas into a 300 second presentation. It's cruel, and unusual. If I even wanted to prented to want to do this, I'd have no idea where to begin. I guess I could start by saying that I spent three hours in a pub drinking pints with a mate, and talking about music. I tend to do this a lot. The talking about music part, not the drinking in pubs. I've probably spent a large portion of my life talking about, and listening to music. Both papers that I've had to write so far this semester have been about music. Almost all the titles to posts in this very blog are indeed song titles, or re-purposed lyrics. Start to see a pattern, eh?


I do tend to get a lot of flak about it, too, though. I could probably name off a hundred different bands that few, if any of you would know. This has given me the pretentious label, and I've had people tell me that I select music simply because it's unknown. I apologize to all of those who I've given this thought to through my music selection. I tend to pick music on based on one of three criteria; First, it's eclecticness, sure. I enjoy songs that interest me. Who doesn't? Second, the story behind the band, album, band. If it's an interesting story, then I'm always interested. Lastly, enjoyment. This one is very vague, and for good reason. I consider myself a collector. Like most personal collectors, I collect what I like, and I've found very little that I don't like. This has lead to push my music collection to around 12,000+ songs at last count, in the last generation of it.

As strange as I am, I enjoy creating multiple catalogs, though not entirely on purpose. I've had many iterations in the past. I all, around 5 to 6 different "Libraries" each containing a different set of music, and each one lost due to some kind of hardware failure. All but the last one, which was backed up at 11,000 songs. Not everything was saved, but most. At the time, I felt like it would actually be more beneficial to get new music. Not having the songs I use to listen would prevent me from listening to them repeatedly, and would force me to explore new areas of music.

I was right, too. Not having those bands and songs which have come to form a sort of "security blanket" has forced me into new, and at times uncomfortable territory. This is not because I dislike the music, but people do tend to stick to one, two, or at most three different major genres without branching out too much. I've found that it's hard to when you become accustomed to what you're listening to. I've also learned that those that say they listen to "everything" are generally lying. Peoples views of what "everything" is, tend to be very narrow. Mention one genre out side of the blanket term, and you're likely to hear a "no", or, more often, a "what?". What do I listen to? "What I can get my hands on."

Stab The Unstoppable Hero...

It's been awhile. I've taken a little break, sure, but I'm still here. I've just been busy, with life, and all. Trust me, it's nice to have something to do, after you feel like you've been floating through life for the past year or so. Gives a sense of meaning. Progress...

Quite a lot has happened since my last letter. I've got direction now, but I'm not any less of myself, just more directed, I'd guess. More focus, meaning much more for the future. I'd love to let you know of all I've done, but it's not all that interesting. Just what should have been done about two and a half years ago.

I'm sorry. For now, I must leave you, but it's as I promised: more for the future.