Check Your Ego...

It's not so much love, as complete and total infatuation. It's rather sad really. Sad in the sense that it's an almost inescapable infatuation. Inescapable in the sense that there's no point to. It's infested my life for the better part of 16 years. Why stop now, it has to end soon, right? Don't I wish. Granted I don't think I'm in one of those searing pains that occur when the world just seems to be coming down around your head. No, things are quite fine, actually. I have a job, which isn't currently in the most stable of situations, but it's there nonetheless. I have a car that drives, and again, it's not the most stable of cars, but it's there nonetheless. I also have the potential of going back to school, and then on to a full time University, but not yet completely secured. Dare I say that it's a pivotal time in my life, one that I could easily screw up. Dare I chance it on someone who pays no attention to me? No.

Don't Ask Me...Ask Yourself...

What am I suppose to do? Every time I do this to myself, it becomes harder and harder to not just go insane. I don't know why. Masochist is a word that I've heard thrown around to describe me. I guess it would fit. Why do I put up with all the shit when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of? Is it harder to brunt the burden than to just walk away. Would walking away really solve any of the issues here?

It's a problem with no easy answer. There are so many other opportunities available to me. Why do I deal with it? I keep coming back to that question. The same question, one that will stand for eternity. Why? The Who, What, When, and Where matter not. It's always that why that I get hung up on, and solving that is no easy task. It's not like I can really talk to anyone about it. The web of lies is wound so tight I'm choking in it, even though it's not even all necessarily lies. Half truths thrown about hap hazardly, little care about not only the moral consequences, but the mental consequences as well. Cold, lonely, and without a care in the world...

Stress...

It's not to be expected. In truth, what isn't expected is what often happens. It's a crazy thing. The world just one day falls apart. What comes next is anyone's guess. Regardless of what it is, they'd be right. As it just so happens, the world ends, not in disaster, but joy. It is a truly wonderful occasion by which everyone's dreams come true. Literally, each persons ideal world comes to life. An entirely new existence based on what they've always wanted. It has always been stated that the universe would always be replaced by something entirely more bizarre. Who knew the crackpots (geniuses?) would be right?

Abbey's existence is probably the strangest. No, strange isn't the right word. Normal? No, that won't work either. Simply, she wants everything back the way it was. It is entirely possible now that all those scientific laws, critical logic, common sense, and other sensible non-sense have been properly dealt with by being placed firmly in the proverbial (perhaps literal) trash can. It's a brave new world where in reality, there is no reality. Chaos has never been so fun...

You are the Sun...

...and I am the Moon, and we are in this together.

It's been a bit since I last wrote to you. Sorry about that. Normally, I would lie and say that I was busy. In this case, I really was busy, no lie. Promise. Slowly but surely I've been getting my life together. Things are looking up, and while I may not be making the best decisions at the moment, I am doing my best a making a better future for myself. I really wish others would do the same. Sadly, I feel my words fall on deaf ears. I'll continue trying irregardless. It's my duty. Eventually, someone will listen.

I was told I'm in tune. I'm connected to those around me. I'm fairly good at interpreting emotions, facial expressions, body language. Some call it empathy (not to be confused with apathy...or is it the other way around...), but that's not the whole story. I find it easy to interpret those whom I share feelings with. I also understand that there are just some situations where I "just don't understand (sob)", but I do understand. I may not have the same thoughts, but I do know the emotion. Emotions are one of the few things that link all humanity together (though I'm sure this is debatable, as is all things). Love, hate, fear, joy, sadness, and confusion. At one point or another, all humans experience the full gambit. Only natural.

Speaking of this, I wish others were more empathetic to me. I feel like I understand most people I meet, but few, if anyone, understands me. Maybe I just act to guarded. I do have a hard time talking to people, and an even harder time telling even close friends what needs to be said. Not good. No, it's quite bad actually. I don't have all the answers, and this is definitely a perfect example.

Another perfect example of how I don't know everything: I Love Someone. Truly, I do. I've wrestled with the idea of Love, and what exactly it is. I've determined that it is impossible to describe, not because it's complicated, but because it's simple beyond any measure of the word. Love is Joy. You don't seek Joy, it just occurs throughout life. Eventually, you'll come to that one individual that produces that Joy. That is Love....

...I've found mine. The issue being that I don't know how to best express it to this individual. The situation is a perilous one. A chasm I'm tiptoeing through. See you on the other side?

~JD

Captivation...

I spent a decent amount of my time learning several new skills. Skills I thought I needed to tell a story. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm using the right medium for it. Much like in the modding community, you choose an engine based on what you want to accomplish. You don't choose an engine without the ability to have drivable vehicles if you are planing on making a racing game. It just doesn't work, or if it does, it will create a lot of extra, and in my opinion, unnecessary work.

Well, as it turns out, I just wanted to write a story. One that I probably wouldn't normally write. It's come out a bit fantastical. No where near the norm of what I write, or even read for that matter. Well, I guess that doesn't matter much. Worth the trouble? We'll see the ending when we get there.